The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
