You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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