I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
