i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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