Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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