A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
