We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
