i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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