I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
