I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
