My sheets look like a crime scene.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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