sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
