Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
