Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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