Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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