I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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