There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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