Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
