Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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