happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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