She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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