just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
