my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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