what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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