there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
