im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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