No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
