"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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