Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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