i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
