Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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