I love black thongs
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
