a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
