Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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