I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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