On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
