whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
3pm strippers are depressing
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
