what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
