sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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