are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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