I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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