if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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