He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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