Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
