im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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