The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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