I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
