my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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