How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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