This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
