Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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