so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
