Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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