I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
