that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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