my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
