we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
