why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
