He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
