you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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